Catharsis-

"Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our most accurate
measure of Courage." -Brene Brown

Grounding by the river earlier after my first Reiki session in ages. I know many people consider things such as Reiki as a placebo therapy, based around pseudoscience; but I ask, what is so negative about choosing to attend such sessions if you find it positively benefits your mental health and wellbeing (like say getting a massage, buying a new book or collecting antiquated objects... all of which by the way make me smile). 

To be honest it has been a heavy past year in regard to finally processing past losses. I have also been going to therapy again since late December in order to do the same. I had initially been offered therapy after the loss of my friend Julie in 2021. There had been five years at that point of "goodbyes", so it felt like a good thing to do as it helped before after the loss of my daughter (born sleeping in 2012).

Unfortunately, at that time though, we were coming out of the covid19 lockdown, and the company offering the therapy on the NHS was no longer funded in my area; meaning that I only got two sessions before the plug was abruptly pulled. Last year, another service became available, however they had quite a long waiting list at that point, but once I started (CBT), I was happy that I did not end up having the same experience as last time. When looking at loss, though, I am also understanding that this includes the loss of those who I have had to set boundaries with and also job loss where Paperchase (who I worked for) went bankrupt last year. It is also about losing past patterns that you recognise within that no longer serve you and forgiving yourself and others involved in past negative experiences.

I have learnt that you can lose and find yourself many times over the years through life's experiences. As I have said before, none of us are the same people we were a year ago because, like the Phoenix, we have our own periods of personal rebirth and growth. Recently, I had a confrontational message from a relative. I was called patronising for sending a gift to that person's child despite always doing things like this where I felt a close bond to them (I had once supported the accuser through a crisis, taking care of their child for a while). This sent me into fight or flight mode earlier this week, even though I knew they were projecting due to their own issues outside of me (I made myself no longer available for advice). I felt anxious and shaky, but my therapist said that this was my body (nervous system) reacting to the change in my behaviour, where I would usually strive to create peace, even at the cost of my own. Sometimes though, I do not always get it right when it comes to my behaviour or interactions with others (I catastrophized a lot during the early stages of my grief), and I accept that I, like all of us, have and still will make mistakes in life (as none of us are perfect). But what I will try to do is not victimise myself and attempt to walk in the shoes of others when it comes to those types of situations. So, I wish that person all the best, I will love them from a distance, and hope that things will get better for them in time.

Getting back to Reiki, my lovely practitioner pulled a card for me at the end of our session, which I found meaningful as it touched on healing ancestral wounds, trauma, and breaking cycles. Looking at the history of the feminines in my family, there is an ongoing theme of abandonment and abuse at the hands of the masculines that I am no longer participating in (when looking back at my relationships prior to marriage), so even if just a coincidence or a synchronicity according to Jung; who may I add found cards like this helpful in regard to delving into the subconscious (a form of psychoanalysis through exploring our archetypes). It was regardless a comforting message to receive, while still acknowledging my need to grieve.

I am stepping in my right direction boldly and without hesitation, with of my internal compass, and intuition guiding the way.