Recently I have been spending some time doing some pottery while my son is at school. It has been quite relaxing and allowed me to contemplate the relationships I have in my life, and how those relationships impact those around me. Towards the end of last year, I rekindled a relationship with my biological Dad after my 40th birthday celebration. My Dad had reached out to me, and I decided to see how things would play out as I experienced a little scare a few months beforehand. In August I found a lump under my armpit which concerned me as it was quite large, hard and did not go away after a few weeks. I spoke to my GP about it who suggested it be removed and sent for a biopsy. Fortunately, it came back as benign, but again reminded me of the fragility and uncertainty that comes with life. Be it in love, health, or wealth you never know what Fortuna and her Rota Fortunae may bring. My Stepdad also had an operation in January 2023 in regard to his cancer diagnosis in November 2022 (what was found was quite aggressive, so they had to act quickly), so the "big C" was not far from my mind given recent events.
Getting back to my biological Dad he spoke to me about having another baby with his new wife (second marriage) and asked about me meeting my new brother (his eighth child). We kept in touch, exchanged pictures of our children and for a moment I had a glimmer of hope in regard to him actually playing a part in my life again after many years without contact. The last time we spoke was after my father-in-law passed away in 2019 from bowel cancer. I reached out as I felt life is so short after watching Nigel slowly fade away (I was with him when he passed along with my brother-in-law). His response was quite hurtful and resulted in me crying in the bathtub for ages, so I left it alone after that as I felt foolish for expecting change.
Moving forward to December 2023, he asked me about things my son was interested in (he last saw my son when he was 9 months old) so I let him know and he sent some foreign bills for him (my son likes to collect rocks, fossils, coins and notes) and we sent him a thank you video where my son was using his globe to look up some of the places the currencies were from. March (2024) came, and my biological Dad forgot my son's birthday (he turned 10), so I took the opportunity to message him in April to wish him a happy birthday, while also reminding him that it had been my son's birthday a month ago. He then said he would send him something, and I explained to him for the first time (I have been hesitant to do so as I remember how he treated his sister's daughter with Tourette’s) about my son's additional needs and what that means for him. He came across as supportive and then we got to June with still nothing sent and i just thought screw it. I know who you are, and I have accepted it, just as I have taken accountability for my past pandering in regard to our relationship; but I am not going to allow you to gaslight and breadcrumb my son with false promises and feigning interest when it suits you. You will not inflict the same hurt and trauma on him that you did on me just because we are blood and share family ties. All this led to was disappointment, living in survival mode, and self-worth issues. My son already finds change quite hard so if you are not going to follow your words through with actions, we do not want it.
Whenever my dad didn't show up for scheduled visits (he was in and out of my life up until I was 14), he would always tell me he would take me to Disneyland to make up for it, yet it was my husband who ended up taking me as an adult years later after confiding in him about my childhood. My son needs people like this (who are stable) in his life, just as I know now (after years of reparenting) that I need the same. People who will not stonewall whenever there is conflict, who are consistent, and realise that there is a difference between love and lust (something I feel my dad did not get with his many infidelities). As well as having an understanding that relationships need to be balanced, reciprocal and most of all not driven by limerence (see link below).
References-
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewalling#:~:text=Stonewalling%20is%20a%20refusal%20to,engagement%20with%20the%20other%20party (Stonewalling)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting (Gaslighting)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breadcrumbing (Breadcrumbing)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I10Zb0RXAlM (Video on Limerence)
Addendum: I've also added a photo of the book (see slideshow) written by psychologist Dorothy Tennov who coined this term-
