"People can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves. “- Matt Kahn
Last weekend I had the pleasure of my twin brother visiting, and also preparing a meal with myself and my son for dinner. It was a really touching moment as it reminded me of my childhood with my Gran, and also when we lived together for a while as flatmates in Battersea. It was also healing as my relationship with my brother over the past year has been quite waning. There was a lot of hidden pain that came to the surface that we both had not addressed with each other, but I am thankful we have now.
This involved the parentification my brother received as a child from my Mum. As much as I have spoken about my dad in regard to this issue (eldest daughter syndrome), my brother also experienced his own version of this (spousification) by working at an early age (fifteen), to help support our mum who was a single parent. The main factor behind this was my dad willingly choosing prison (by ignoring his agreed child maintenance payments) to spite my Mum who was struggling (coercive control). My Dad despite being married to his new wife would not give unless you did something for him. I remember him making sexual advances towards my Mum which she declined; however, she did end up babysitting one of my younger half siblings to help him out from time to time during this period. Later on in life I also found some upsetting court transcripts where he even at one point denied he was my father in the hearing, which was a blatant lie. My Dad just wanted my Mum to keep accepting financial breadcrumbs, despite knowing she was working two jobs at one point to get by.
But getting back on subject, realising my dad wouldn't do the right thing my Mum ended up landing a better paid office job, which resulted in me spending more time with my Gran to cut costs in regard to childcare. But as we got further into secondary school, uniform was getting quite expensive, so my brother worked in the community centre cleaning, then eventually doing data entry to help out. Resulting in him helping my Mum with bills and other expenses/ debts she had. I too then started leaning on him financially, which I later learnt really upset him. He felt I took the "piss", however I explained to him that I had only been doing what I had seen, until I took my own steps to become financially independent.
This raw honesty also allowed me to release some resentment I had towards him in regard to his ex-wife. A few years after I had gotten married and had my son, my brother rushed into a relationship with an older woman who had children. I personally found her incredibly controlling (she tried to isolate him from us), and judgemental (we did not conform to her vision of Christian values). Once my brother became born again and gave up things deemed offensive (his comics etc), they were married within ten months and were divorced after six months. I often wondered if he felt he was being left behind in regard to the social expectations of people our age (early to mid-30s). There were also red flags he kept from us, that were brought to our attention after the separation; where my brother had mentioned they were having couples counselling before the wedding as she felt he had an impulsive- control disorder, like her last two husbands (projection). He also said on the day of the wedding something was telling him not to go through with it, but he still did in hope of things working out and not letting anyone down. Which I found really disappointing as well, but also understand that this was a reflection of his own trauma. He admitted that in her (his ex-wife) he saw my Mum and I feel subconsciously he wanted to support and provide for her where she had been abandoned and let down by her exes (traits exhibited in a saviour complex).
This reminded me of a video I watched from one of my favourite podcasts recently ("This Jungian Life"), which I will post below, and caused me to reflect on my own personal come-to-Jesus moment. I have one half-sister to whom I actually do not talk. We were remarkably close at one point, and I helped her through some tough times. However, where I had been the problem solver in the past, she asked me to get involved in her tumultuous relationship. She and her long-distance boyfriend at that time were going through a difficult patch. She had stayed at her exes place after an argument causing him to become jealous, and he had been getting too close to a work colleague (resulting in them accusing each other of cheating). None of this in hindsight was healthy, but I ended up getting sucked in when she gave me his phone number to talk to him on her behalf. With that, I started feeling really sorry for the guy, as a few times that my sister and I went out clubbing, I saw her make out with people while under the influence, so we ended up forming an emotional bond. I was grieving my own break up at that point also and spoke to him about it. Unfortunately though, not everyone you open up to has your best intentions. Over time I realised that he used my insecurities, wounds, hopes, and dreams against me as a form of manipulation.
In one moment, he could go from telling me what a great wife* (see addendum) I would make some day (future faking), to tearing me down about how unattractive I was compared to my sister (negging), and then ghosting if I questioned his feelings towards me. He liked me sending videos of myself cooking, would complain that my sister could not cook (creating competition), and then to satisfy his desires (he liked feet) would ask me to send photos of my toes in the food I had prepared. This continued for some time, and I realised this situation was not helping anyone really, but was rather toxic, so the truth came out. At that point, my sister kept dating him for a little longer and froze me out understandably. We have not spoken now in seventeen years, but during that time a lot of cutting things (as a justifiable consequence) were done in reaction to the hurt that I had caused. Involving my sister openly body shaming me online and telling everyone on my dad’s side that I had sex with her boyfriend, which didn't happen at all. To be frank, sex somewhat scared me, as I saw how my Dad cheapened it to satisfy his ego, sharing stories with his mates, and discarding vulnerable women like used tissues. With that please note I'm not slut-shaming these ladies, as my father was rather predatory in his behaviour, finding pleasure in the drama of them being emotionally provoked (eg: I saw women scratching his car and physically fighting over him). However I was desperate to feel loved (I could not be intimate without that) and acted selfishly in hope of it, which is something I have apologised to my sister for profusely (I am not expecting her forgiveness).
Looking back on it all now, what I do see is an abuser (with their own demons) in regard to his behaviour. I noticed that whenever they had a big blow up, he would also shower my sister with expensive gifts (love bombing), and even after I had moved on with my life, he still tried to come back into it using the same humbling tactics as before. When I first started dating my future husband Luke (two years later), he referred to me as a "vile bitch like your sister" for not being interested in his games. Later on, while married and now a mother to my son, he sent me suggestive photos of himself, claiming he was "hotter" than my husband, and asking if I still "fancied him", which I showed to Luke, who then responded to him with some very stern words. I have not heard from him since thankfully, but it made me think about why we (my sister and I) would attract men like that into our lives. Again, it boils down to trauma and what both myself and my sister saw and wanted as children in regard to our own father. Our behaviour though seen as vastly different in how we approached this experience, actually stems from the same wound (plus possible anxious attachment style), and as painful as this experience was, this was the tower moment needed to finally show me what I had been missing. This archetype of man that I would (or would want to) date time and time again, was me repeating unhealthy, yet familiar patterns/dynamics found in childhood, something my other two sisters have done also (there are four of us). See second video below that touches on this subject.
So, I have had to learn to forgive myself for the naivety I had and the betrayal I caused, forgive the guy who played my sister and I against each other, and accept (with regret) that this now cannot be changed. Forgive my sister for triggering me in the way my dad did by spreading misinformation in order to further abash and vilify me. As much as I am not fond of my dad, I have also had to understand that he too reflects his own childhood trauma, where I have recently been made aware of the infidelities his own parents allowed to play out in their marriage. It is complex, but I am glad all of this healing above has taken place in regard to myself and my brother. I cannot comment on my sister as I know nothing about her life, but I hope she too has been able to heal from these experiences and is having a safer, brighter, happier future in regard to love.
Anyway here are some photos of my brother and son cooking. I really enjoyed seeing them connect with each other, and my son learning about our Caribbean culture, by cooking one of Jamaica's national dishes ackee and saltfish. My brother also found a great recipe for gluten free fried dumplings which were delicious. All in all, this weekend was a nourishing experience for both the body and the soul, reflecting on past meals shared (at my Gran's) and moments experienced that have helped us to grow.
How your parents' complexes mould your psyche (video): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji84tH9NTp4
"School of Life" video around trauma and picking better lovers: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xqqwA_hHDws
*Addendum: Being married was important to me back then, as my mother gave birth to me as an unwed teenager. We were often looked down upon for this reason; I didn't want my future children to endure that same burden. However as I've understood my worth, its not just about getting married, but rather the calibre of the person you chose to settle down with whether you decide to tie the knot or not.
Also going forward, if I do sense this type of covert manipulation from someone (below in orange), I will now call them out on it the moment I get an inkling of them trying put me into a negative headspace (to avoid potential spiralling or rumination). If the situation isn't resolved (say with an honest and open chat), I will then just remove myself completely, and wish them all the best in regard to healing.
References:
Spousification: A married, widowed, or single parent may treat their child as their spouse; this is known as spousification, and it occurs more often among single than married parents. Mother–son spousification is more common than father–daughter spousification. Mothers may put their sons in this role due to a desire for protection but fear of men. Their sons are a less threatening option.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parentification#:~:text=Parentification%20or%20parent%E2%80%93child%20role,developmentally%20inappropriate%20and%20overly%20burdensome.
Coercive control: Refers to continuous patterns of behaviour that are intended to exert power or control over a survivor. These behaviours deprive survivors of their independence and can make them feel isolated or scared. This can have a serious impact on a survivor's day-to-day life and wellbeing.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/
Projection: Is the process of displacing one’s feelings onto a different person, animal, or object. The term is most commonly used to describe defensive projection, attributing one’s own struggles to another. For example, if someone continuously bullies and ridicules a peer about their appearance, the bully might be projecting their own insecurities about their looks on that other person.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/projection
The saviour complex: Can be best defined as a psychological construct which makes a person feel the need to save other people. This person has a strong tendency to seek people who desperately need help and to assist them, often sacrificing their own needs for these people.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-high-functioning-alcoholic/201702/the-savior-complex
Come-to-Jesus moment: A moment of sudden realization, comprehension, or recognition that often precipitates a major change.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/come-to-Jesus%20moment#:~:text=come%2Dto%2DJe%C2%B7%E2%80%8B,often%20precipitates%20a%20major%20change
Future faking: Is a tactic whereby people lure you into thinking they are planning a future with you. The main objective of future fakers is to use the promise of a future to get things from you in the present.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/a-funny-bone-to-pick/202406/how-future-faking-can-be-used-to-manipulate-you
Negging ("to neg", meaning "negative feedback"): Is an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and attempt to engender in them a need for the manipulator's approval.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Negging
Ghosting: Is the act of suddenly ending communication with someone without explanation or warning, and ignoring any further attempts to contact them.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/ghosting#:~:text=What%20Is%20Ghosting?,feeling%20indifferent%20to%20deeply%20betrayed.
Love bombing: Is a tactic in which someone “bombs” you with extreme displays of attention and affection with the intent to manipulate you.
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-love-bombing-5223611
Humbling: Is a modern variant of negging, where men use emotional manipulation to make a woman feel that they are less valuable, important or special as a person, and to the person who is pursuing them. This lowering of their self-esteem is likely to allow them to accept unfair treatment eventually within a relationship.
https://medium.com/modern-women/why-are-men-on-a-quest-to-humble-women-fd39c48c875c
Spiralling: Is a cycle of negative thoughts, feelings, or actions that can cause a person's mental well-being to worsen. This can be caused by being triggered by an event or experience.
Rumination: Is a repetitive cycle of negative thoughts about the past, present, or future. Rumination can involve self-blame, hopelessness, and negative self-esteem. It can be triggered by external stressors, low self-worth, or a history of trauma.
https://www.psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/rumination-a-cycle-of-negative-thinking#:~:text=Rumination%20involves%20repetitive%20thinking%20or%20dwelling%20on,or%20anxiety%20and%20can%20worsen%20existing%20conditions.